


Five Avengers Who Were Terrible Phone Sex Operators and One Avenger Who Was Really Good at It

by storiesfortravellers



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Community: kink_bingo, Crack, Humor, M/M, Phone Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-14
Updated: 2012-08-14
Packaged: 2017-11-12 03:06:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/485975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack!fic.  AU where the Avengers are phone sex operators and Coulson is their boss.  They're bad at their job and now Coulson has to fire most of them.</p><p>For a prompt at avengerkink. Also for kinkbingo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Avengers Who Were Terrible Phone Sex Operators and One Avenger Who Was Really Good at It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carinascott](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carinascott/gifts).



“I’m sorry, Tony. This just isn’t working out.”

“But I’m amazing at this job. Amazing.”

“I’m sure you feel that way. But the basic premise of this industry is that people call us, and _we_ talk to them. You just wheedled them into talking dirty to you so _you_ could get off,” Coulson said wearily.

“You know, some people like a good listener.”

“And you kept interrupting them to make suggestions about how they could do better.”

“It’s ethically wrong to keep a good idea a secret,” Tony volleyed.

“Of course. But, ethics aside, I just don’t think this is a good fit.”

Tony debated for a while and even actually pouted until finally he left, cheerfully shaking Coulson’s hand and reminding him that he had Tony’s number in case Coulson – or any of Tony’s co-workers, or any of Tony’s clients -- wanted to call for “personal reasons.”

Coulson sighed. One down, four to go.

\--

“It was not my intention to scare anyone,” Thor said, giving Coulson puppy dog eyes.

It was too bad they didn’t use skype instead of phones, Coulson thought. No one would hang up on someone looking so innocent and pitiful. 

Coulson steeled himself and answered, “It’s just, even if someone says they would like to be bedded by a big strong warrior, it doesn’t mean that they want to hear graphic details about you killing the enemies of your land. Especially if you talk about the gore and the blood and how they should lick it off your armor.”

“But where I come from that is considered an excellent way to woo.”

“Yes. But not here. Maybe once you’re a little better adjusted to the area, you can come back, but for now…”

“I understand. Farewell for now, son of Coul.”

“Yeah.”

\--

“Frankly, Steve, it’s none of your business if they’re married.”

“Of course not. I didn’t ask. They volunteered the information.”

“But people don’t call here to be lectured on integrity. Not to mention the complaints from other callers about your shyness. As well as your … unusual comments.”

“What unusual comments?” 

“Some people mentioned that you seem to think that during sex, a penis would be seriously injured if an orifice tightened up. And that you didn’t seem to know about preparation. And that you think that--”

Steve was bright red as he interrupted, “Fine. You’re right. This isn’t good. Thank you for the opportunity, though.”

“Thank you, Steve. And good luck.”

“I’ll just go get my things and say good bye to Tony. And everyone else.”

“Tony was dismissed, actually.”

“Oh,” Steve said, looking very disappointed. 

“He left his number for you, though,” Coulson said. Technically, that was sort of true.

Steve rolled his eyes. “That Tony. Always so forward,” he griped as he quickly snatched up the number. Coulson smiled as Steve cheerfully left.

\--

“HULK NO UNDERSTAND.”

“Please don’t be upset. I just think you’ll be calmer if you didn’t have to deal with people who… make so many demands.”

“STUPID MAN ON PHONE IS STUPID. WANTED TO CALL HULK WHORE. HULK NOT WHORE.”

“You are absolutely right. We’re not like other agencies. Here, you have every right to refer a client to an erotic voice artist who doesn’t mind the client’s request.”

“HULK THINKS THIS JOB IS STUPID.”

“Well, we think you’re great. Just great. But maybe you want a job where people can see you and so they know not to make you angry. Or talk to you.”

“HULK RATHER QUIT THAN BE LET GO.”

“Absolutely. Whatever Hulk wants.”

\--

Natasha just stared at him.

“I mean, in many ways, you’re by far the most talented operator we have. You can keep clients on the phone for hours.”

“And that’s a problem?”

Coulson sighed. He decided to let the recording of one of Natasha’s calls explain, and so he pushed the button on the recorder and they both listened to her voice as she spoke to a formerly regular customer of their agency:

“ _Wow, I just got you to give me all your personal information plus enough financial information to ruin you. I mean, I could take your money, ruin your relationships, get you kicked out of your company and possibly the state, and make sure you never get laid for the rest of your natural life. You’re lucky I’m not bored enough to do all that, because you are really and truly a moron.”_ ”

Coulson gave her a look. 

“Name one thing that I said that wasn’t true,” she said casually.

“We’re not in the truth business. We’re in the fantasy business.”

She shrugged. It didn’t seem to bother her too much that she was going to need a new source of employment. Coulson had a feeling she could probably get any job she felt like. 

As she left, she said, “Tell Clint I said bye. You know, when you hear from him.” She winked then, and Coulson grimaced. Of course Natasha knew.

\--

Coulson picked up the phone.

“How’s my favorite client?” Clint said, voice low and sultry.

“Not a client,” Coulson said and leaned back in his chair in anticipation.

“Heard you let the others go. That’s a shame. I really liked them.”

“They didn’t seem too broken up about it, which is good. But really, not everyone’s as good at their job as you are.”

“What can I say? I know just the right spots to hit.”

“Don’t I know it. Hey, remind me to set the alarm when we go home tonight. I have to go in early tomorrow to look over a bunch of applications since we’re short so many operators now.”

“Anyone look interesting?”

“Hard to know how they’ll do on the job just from their resumes and voice samples. Let’s see, this Charles Xavier looks like he’d be good at it. There’s an application from some guy called Logan, good low voice but doesn’t look like much of a talker. Guy named Wade, might be better. Let’s see, here in this other pile, there’s an application from some guy named Jason Todd. Strange resume -- I wonder what kind of operator he'll be. And one from some guy who calls himself ‘Riddler’ – hm, kind of pretentious sounding. And some guy called Dick Grayson.”

“That can’t be his real name. That’s gotta be his porn name.”

“Well, whatever. Like I said, it can wait until tomorrow.”

“Then why don’t you tell me a little bit more about what we’re doing tonight?” Clint said, and Coulson could hear the smirk in his voice.

Coulson relaxed into his chair and started talking. It wasn't long before he could hear Clint breathing hard. He could picture exactly how Clint's face looked, eyes fluttering closed as his hand reached down. 

Coulson never fielded calls from clients.

Only his boyfriend knew that when it came to dirty talk, Coulson could outdo any of his employees.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Richard Curtis Can Go Stick His Head In A Pig](https://archiveofourown.org/works/883784) by [errantcomment](https://archiveofourown.org/users/errantcomment/pseuds/errantcomment)




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